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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26723191">Marvelous Monsters and How to Date Them</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugseid/pseuds/bugseid'>bugseid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monster Girl Encyclopedia, Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Beelzebub - Freeform, Dating, Dhampir, Fantasy, Flash Fic, Gen, Harpy, Hellhounds, Holstaur, Interspecies Romance, Kikimora - Freeform, Lamia, Mamano, Monster Girls, Monsters, Mothman, Relationship Advice, Shoggoth, Yeti - Freeform, Zombie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:34:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,990</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26723191</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugseid/pseuds/bugseid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Your one-stop guide to dating in a monster girl filled world! </p><p>After years of studies and numerous interviews, this all-in-one guide will inform you the ins and outs to dating your ideal monster girl. Mannerisms, date ideas, tips on caring for their physiology; everything and more all jam packed into a tiny little area to help you find success in the world of dating monster girls.</p><p>--------</p><p>Each chapter is like a flash fiction about dating a different type of monster girl.<br/>Don't expect consistency.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Lamia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>The Lamia has always been, and always will be, a popular choice as a romantic candidate. Their forked tongues, smooth scaly tails, and piercing eyes have charmed the hearts of many individuals. Perhaps you too have are charmed by a Lamia? Whether you’re looking for tips on dating your new Lamia girlfriend, trying to work up the courage to asking out that cute Lamia barista on a date, or just curious on how to make yourself the ideal candidate for one; you’ve come to the right place. The Lamia is a marvelous monster, and here is how you date one.</p><p>To start with Lamias, like many other monsters, are fully integrated into our modern life. You don’t have to go travel so some far off tropical island just to find your future lover. But because of their physiology they are a little more common in some areas than others. As a cold-blooded species they are much happier in areas with a hot or even temperate climate. Now I know what you’re thinking. Yes, space heaters and warm clothing does exist. As well as heated blankets and honest those things are sometimes better then cuddling someone you love.</p><p>Very low chance of getting a mouth full of hair when you’re under a weighted blanket.</p><p>But if you were incapable of regulating your own body temperature wouldn’t you naturally move to an area that is warmer? Don’t come to me crying about how you can’t find a cute Lamia to cuddle. You’re the one living in somewhere that is covered in snow for most of the year. So, while yes, it is still possible that you can find a lovely Lamia to date while you use the outdoors as your personal freezer; you’ll have much better luck if you’re in a climate that actually experiences a summer.</p><p>The fact that Lamias are cold-blooded is a pretty big thing. Lamias are very… touchy. They’re cuddlers. Imagine the most cuddle-loving person you know. Now imagine that this cuddle-lover got cold easily and absolutely loves to find warmth by wrapping their almost 8-meter long (that’s 26 feet) body around the person they love. That’s a Lamia. Now I don’t want to make such broad statements like “all Lamias love to cuddle”. But it <em>is</em> a common feature among their species, and them being cold-blooded only increases their desire for being physically close to someone warm. I hope you’re prepared to give up on being the big spoon in any cuddle arrangements.</p><p>I also hope you give up on getting out of bed early. It takes time for a Lamia’s body temperature to increase. You, a nice warm body filled with body heat, being right next to them as they wake up in the morning is a one-way ticket for having your entire body wrapped within their coils. But if you’re interested in Lamia, then that’s probably the ideal outcome for you anyways.</p><p>Actual dates various widely between individuals, since the best option is to choose a date that both you and your partner would like. I’m sorry to say it, but each Lamia is different. They’re all their own individual. I know it’s a bit contradictory to say “there is no guide on how to date Lamias!” when this is, in fact, a guide on how to date Lamias. One Lamia might prefer to stay at home watching movies while they’re wrapped around you while another wants to stretch out their entire length in the sand on the beach. Just like any successful relationship, communication is important. Find out what interests and hobbies she has and base your dates around that.</p><p>Two major things do stick out, however. Their need for warmth and their incredible length. Stay away from options that would put the two of you in enclosed space (even knowing they <em>can</em> coil up their tails, it still isn’t comfortable for extended periods of time), or options that’ll keep you exposed to the cold for a prolonged time. That doesn’t mean cold stuff is completely off the table though. But just be aware that a Lamia would appreciate something warmer and more open. Something to keep in mind before you go to an ice sculpture class. In the end, the important thing is that the two of you are enjoying each other’s company. The actual activity the two of you do is just a backdrop to the memories you’ll both be making.</p><p> But seriously, no ice sculpture classes.</p><p>You will be happy to hear that any food-based dates are going to be much simpler. Lamias are carnivores and they have a bad sense of taste. If it’s meat and it’s mostly cooked then it’s good enough! Lamias <em>can</em> eat vegetables and anything that isn’t meat, but subtle flavors are lost on them. It’ll just past through their system without much affect. Keep a lot of eggs stocked in the fridge, and keep an eye out for good deals at the local butcher’s store. You’d have to be <em>extremely</em> bad at cooking to not be able to impress a Lamia. If you are that bad at cooking, then please reconsider some of your life choices. Or maybe stick to ordering from BBQ joints.</p><p>Now this is just a quick overview, but really that’s about it. Lamias tend to be much more extroverted than other monsters. Even the introverted ones quickly open up once they start to feel comfortable. There’s no reason to be scared when approaching one. If they like you back, you’ll know. Trust me. The only major thing to keep in mind when dating one is being aware of the fact that they are cold-blooded, and their very long tails. Also shedding, but, that’s for another time.</p><p>There is one last thing I might have forgot to mention, but alas, I only have so much space to write! So I will leave you with one last bit of advice. Do <strong>not </strong>underestimate the amount of strength they possess. Especially in their tail.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Zombie</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Please take a moment to reread the title of this book. You will notice that it does not say <em>Necronomicon.</em> In fact, this publication is completely bereft of the word <em>Necronomicon</em>, save for the fact that I just used it twice. This is an important distinction to make because I am not telling you how to make a Zombie or how to become a Zombie. Not only because I don’t know how to, but also because it’s a heavily regulated process that requires quite a lot of paper work. So put that shovel down and please stop lurking around graveyards in an attempt to find your next romantic partner. Zombies can be found all around us, going about their day and doing the things they enjoy. The Zombie is a marvelous monster, and this is how you date one.</p><p>Zombies are often forgotten or even passed up in favor for the more “powerful” undead. They’re seen as dim-witted individuals that smell bad and are regularly missing body parts. These presumptions might have been true in the very distant past – but that is not the case anymore. It’s time I addressed the rotting corpse in the room; and no, I am not talking about your new girlfriend.</p><p>One: Zombies are not going to eat you. Two: Zombies don’t smell that bad. In fact, they don’t really smell like anything. That’s true for all undead. Three: Technically they are still decaying but the rate at which they decay is incredibly slow, to point where it’s not even noticeable. Additionally, modern science has made incredible advancements in a variety of fields that allows undead to enjoy near perfect preservation. Four: Zombies are indeed sentient individuals with their own personalities. They’re just like you and me.</p><p>Zombies are, however, a bit lazy. They are very easy going and can regularly be described as someone that had just woken up. That’s not to say that they’re tired all the time – just that they’re not always fully aware of their surroundings and they take time to process what’s going on. If they can help it, they try to go about their day spending as little energy as possible. Furthermore, they don’t have any need to eat or sleep. If you do take a Zombie out on a food related date, or if you cook for her, she will still eat with you because it’s an activity that lets the two of you share each other’s company.  </p><p>Now a Zombie’s body parts are not constantly falling off, but it does happen. Don’t be surprised if you trip over an arm once in a while. Like all Undead, Zombies are very high-upkeep individuals. They need daily stretches and exercises to fight off rigor mortis, regular “wound inspections” to spot any injuries that need to be fixed, and scheduled visits to an undead-specialist for bodily upkeep like thread replacement. Zombies are self-sufficient and do all these things themselves, so don’t feel as though you suddenly need to become an expert in undead maintenance just to date one. But knowing how to sew is a vital skill for you to have if you do want to date a Zombie. While you’re not expected to perform the same quality of work as a skilled practitioner, being able to reattach an errant limb will be a tremendous help for the Zombie until they’re able to visit their doctor.</p><p>Those are all things that Zombies already do, and they don’t <em>need</em> someone to take care of them in order to function. They have always been able to take care of themselves, and will continue to be able to do so. But joining in with your partner while they exercise and stretch is a great way to spend time together. A lot of individuals actually find their health improve when they start dating a Zombie due to the regular exercise they perform with their partner.</p><p>Helping them with their regular wound inspections can become a very intimate thing between the two of you. Since Zombies do not feel physical pain, they don’t know when they’ve suffered an injury such as a sprained limb, bone fracture, or even a cut. These injuries, even the small ones, can quickly worsen if they’re not spotted and fixed. That makes performing these wound inspections extremely important.  Doing these things – exercising with them, occasionally reattaching a limb, checking over their body for injuries - helps show a Zombie the affection and care you have for them. Zombies are not always the best at expressing themselves, but they’ll always appreciate having someone to help them reattach a limb and get excited as you carefully inspect every part of their body for any unknown injuries they may have gained.</p><p>Zombies love activities that consist of repetitive tasks they can perform for hours. A lot of them are avid gamers, especially games that have a heavy focus on in-game grinding. The ones that have an interest in table top gaming develop a passion unrivaled by anyone else as they quickly amass massive armies of fully painted plastic figures. You never realize just how much of your time gets spent sleeping, eating, or performing other basic “living” things. Zombies don’t have to do any of that and can instead fully commit their time to the things they enjoy.</p><p>Once the two of you start spending nights together don’t be surprised if you wake up to find them staring at you. A lot of Zombies develop a habit of watching their partner sleep; waiting for them to wake up so the two of you can continue spending time together. While they do have their own interests and hobbies, being with someone they love is a very important thing to a lot of Zombies. Afterall, they have an eternity to continue pursuing their hobbies, but only a limited amount of time to be with you.</p><p>Zombies are proof that love does not have to stop at the grave. Love, like Zombies, is in fact timeless.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Harpy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If you’ve had any interaction at all with civilization then you have at some point met a Harpy. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that it’s impossible to <em>not</em> end up meeting a Harpy. With how common they are it’s no surprise that many individuals fall in love with their soft, feathery wings and impressive legs. So, if you’ve got a crush on that cute delivery girl then listen up; because the Harpy is a marvelous monster and this is how you date them.</p><p>A lot of this is going to be incredibly general because <em>Harpy</em> is both a species and a family. I know it isn’t polite to compare monsters to their extremely similar animal counterparts, but you know how there are a lot of birds? Like, just an absolute ton of birds, all with their own differences? Harpies are the same. Harpies are indeed a species by themselves but there are a variety of subtypes within the Harpy family. Sirens, thunderbirds, and cockatrice are within the same family as harpies but are classified as their own species. We will not be discussing them just yet. But even if we just look at “the Harpy” there is a lot of variety among them. I’m even willing to say Harpies are one of the most diverse monsters out there! Because of their incredible diversity there are Harpies happily living in every corner of the world, so it does not matter where you live. You’ll be able to find a nice Harpy to date.</p><p>Harpies are pretty light. They have to be in order to fly, and even the larger Harpy “breeds” are deceptively light weight. Despite their perceived fragility their wings are powerful enough to carry someone and fly a short distance. I do not recommend that as a means of travel. Yes, your cute Harpy girlfriend who is smaller than you <em>can</em> carry you in her terrifyingly sharp talons like an iron vice as she flies you off to somewhere more private. But just because they <em>can</em> doesn’t mean they <em>should</em>. Just be careful. Being dropped is uncommon, but accidents happen.</p><p>But you’re not here for a biology lesson. You’re here because you want to know the comfort of being lovingly embraced by a Harpy’s wings while cuddling each other.</p><p>Their wings are one of their most striking features, coming in a large variety of colors. You should get used to finding feathers everywhere if you plan on spending a significant amount of time with a Harpy. First off, it’s not uncommon for a few feathers to fall off as they go about their day. But they all go through something called molting, with the exact time of year being different for each individual. It can be a little scary the first time you’re with a Harpy when she’s molting, since they’ll often seem significantly less energetic and a little more withdrawn. It’s a natural process, and nothing to be worried about. Although don’t go collecting their feathers – that’s honestly a little creepy. Would you like it if someone ran around collecting all the hair you shed? It’s the same thing for them. Just pick them up and throw them out like you would if you were cleaning anything else. The Harpy is not going to be upset that you threw away her old feathers.</p><p>Activity wise, Harpies are just as varied in their interests as anyone else. But a lot of them do live fairly active lives. Indoor skydiving, going on bike rides or runs, laser tag, trail hikes, snowball fights – things taking place in more open areas with sweat-inducing activities are great options. Things with water? Not so much. Soaking wet feathers are difficult to fly with, heavy, and all around uncomfortable for Harpies. But don’t ignore the nice calm dates either – even if the two of you enjoy being very active it can still be nice to relax and go to a museum tour or even stargaze. Those kinds of dates really let the two of you connect with each other. It is a bit hard to hold a conversation when you’re trying to shoot each other with lasers, so calm dates are important.</p><p>If you haven’t noticed, Harpies don’t really have hands. At least not like humans. A lot of them will have something similar to a thumb at the end of their wings that does allow them to grasp things. Some subspecies even have talon-fingers. Neither are a great replacement for fingers. Don’t be surprised if you’re regularly asked to hold something, or open something, or really do anything that requires dexterous fingers.</p><p>Sadly, that does mean you won’t be able hold each other’s hand with interlocking fingers. They can grasp things, push things, or even use their talons to clutch something while they’re flying but without dexterous hands, handholding isn’t that big of a thing for them. Now before you get any ideas, trust me, those talons are a lot sharper than you think. But fear not, because while handholding has never developed any real meaning for Harpies, something else took its place. Something much more meaningful to them.</p><p>Enter the arm cling.</p><p>The first time the cute Harpy you’re dating clings to your arm with both of her wings as the two of you walk together… it’s a moment you won’t forget. For Harpies, arm clinging is a lot more special to them then just holding hands. It might not seem like that special to you – after all anyone with arms can cling to someone else. But see it the way a Harpy does. They are actively restricting their mobility and removing their ability to fly (temporarily) just so they can be in close, physical contact with the person they love.</p><p>There has to be a lot of trust between the two of you for a Harpy to cling to your arm. It is powerful non-verbal way for them to say “I love you”. That’s when you know it’s real.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Hellhound</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One does not simply choose to date a Hellhound; a Hellhound chooses to date you. That single sentence perfectly encapsulates Hellhound relationships. Now if it were possible for me to put that single sentence into a book and market it as a dating guide for Hellhounds, I would do exactly that. I would then quickly be confronted by numerous angry individuals. But if you’ve recently gained the attention of a Hellhound then you, my friend, are going to need some advice. Advice such as make sure you read a book or watch an educational video on building your adductor (your groin) muscles. It will help, trust me. Of course, there is a bit more you should know. Because the Hellhound is a marvelous monster, and this is how you date them.</p><p>They are… aggressively passionate. They know exactly what it is that they want and they’re the type of monster that has absolutely no problems going after it. Bold, confident, strong-willed; the Hellhound is a fierce predator that stalks our daily lives with extreme skill to hunt down their prey. But they are not hunting for food, or for sport. Their chosen prey, the one they have become so perfect at finding, is a potential husband.</p><p>If you have gained the attention of a Hellhound it is because that Hellhound sees you as a potential life-long partner. They are incredibly good at this, quickly being able to determine their compatibility with another being through body language, scent, and even brief interactions. They are rarely wrong in their assumptions.  It might seem daunting at first – you’re going about your day and suddenly a Hellhound is constantly around you, talking to you, playfully bullying you, cornering you against a wall and leaning in close enough so you can feel her hot breath on your face and see the sweat beading off of her toned muscles. It’s off putting for a lot of people, suddenly gaining a lot of attention and close physical contact with someone that you’ve only recently met.  A lot of individuals end up freezing up, or acting like prey that’s given up and accepted their fate. It’s possible the Hellhound <em>expected</em> you to act like that, and eventually, slowly, open up to her as the two of you spend more time together.</p><p>That is fine. If two consenting individuals are happy with each other, then that’s really all that matters. A Hellhound <em>will</em> take care of you. They’re extremely protective when it comes to their loved ones. A Hellhound will become more than a rock for you to lean against – they’re a sword, a shield, an ever-burning inferno just to ensure you’re cared for. But… that does not mean you should be passive.</p><p>Never be passive.</p><p>While a Hellhound will gladly show you off as a trophy, someone to boast about because you make them happy, that does not mean you are a mere mantel piece. You’re a person, an individual. A fire burns brighter when fed more kindling, and for a healthy, long lasting relation with a Hellhound you will want to keep stoking her flames of passion.</p><p>Dates and activities where the two of you compete against each other are best. Video games, tennis, go-kart racing, board games, even just seeing who can go the longest without drinking after eating very spicy food; anything where it becomes the two of you trying to see who is best at something. But never hand over the win. Hellhounds are natural predators – they will know if you are just laying down and letting them take it or if you’re making them work for their victory. It gently leans into that predator-prey relationship. You’re making her hunt you in order to earn a win. Regularly enjoying activities together where you can foster that bit of competition between the two of you will let her keep enjoying the thrill of hunting you. All so she can toss herself on top of you once she’s gained her win, and proudly claim her prize.</p><p>As a part of my research for these guides I conduct interviews. For the Hellhound, my research took me to a local hospital to speak with a man whose been married with his Hellhound wife for twenty-three years. They have three children. Surely someone who has been in such a long, healthy, loving relationship with a Hellhound could provide valuable insight?</p><p>He was in for a broken pelvis. A mild fracture, nothing serious or life-threatening. Something easily fixed with the incredible advancements of modern technology. Naturally I asked him what was the cause of this injury, although I suspected I already knew the answer. He chuckled.</p><p>“It was an accident, and partly my fault. I got my dearest wife too excited on our anniversary. She is deeply regretful, although I assured her to think nothing of it. I did what I did knowingly, and only because we're so close.” He spoke his words softly, as if he were to reveal a great secret not meant to be known.</p><p>I pressed for further information. It is my job – how could I not bite at the bait he had so carefully laden within his words? I asked him, “What happened, how did she become to excited? I thought Hellhounds were aware of their strength, and aware of a human’s fragility, and knew to be careful?”</p><p>Once again, he chuckled and beckoned me closer.</p><p>I obliged.</p><p>“A Hellhound is never subservient, yet might act so in jest. There is a technique, a little trick, that drives them mad. Something that causes their emotions to burn hotter than ever before. An unusual feeling they’ve never experienced.” The man paused for what seemed like an eternity, the only sound in the room being the stable beating of his heart rate monitor. “I patted her head and scratched behind her ear, telling her how beautiful she was, how lucky I am, and of the endless love I held for her.”</p><p>My friends, use that nugget of wisdom with the utmost of care.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Yeti</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Why people choose to live in such frigid environments will always be a mystery to me. Now don’t be mistaken – overall I prefer colder temperatures to hot ones. You can always grab an extra blanket, but you can only take off so many clothes. But willingly living in an area where you become acutely aware of every hair inside your nostril after two seconds of breathing in the outside air? Truly a mystery. At least, it used to be. There are a couple monsters that dwell in such environments, the Yeti being one of them. Perhaps it is fitting that only by enduring such cold temperatures can one enjoy the warm embrace of a Yeti. The Yeti is a marvelous monster, and here is you how date them.</p><p>Sadly, there is not much hope for you if posses both a fondness of Yeti’s and an aversion to the cold. At best a Yeti <em>might</em> live in an area with a mild Summer. Now Yeti’s are aware of the cold; it just doesn’t affect them in any capacity. They have naturally high body temperatures and thick fur that covers parts of their body. Furthermore, as if the odds weren’t already stacked against them, their fur grows back incredibly quick, so cutting it short accomplishes little besides ruining multiple razor blades. This combination of higher body temperatures and thick fur makes warmer climates uncomfortable for them. No one enjoys sweating simply because you happen to be existing within a space.</p><p>If you’re dating a Yeti then you’ll find the cold won’t be bothering you as much. No, it’s not because their perceived immunity is going to rub off on you. That’s a ridiculous assumption. It’s because you’ll spend most of your time being nuzzled against her warm body.  Yeti’s are huggers – if they see an opportunity to hug someone, they’ll take it. Meeting someone? Hug. Saying goodbye? Hug. Bringing over a cup of hot coco so the two of you can watch the snow fall? Very big hug. But how do you determine if the Yeti that’s currently hugging you is doing so because she is interested in you, or because she’s just being friendly?</p><p>Easy.</p><p>Does it just feel like a hug, or does it feel like she is tenderly pulling you into her arms, enveloping your very being with a loving warmth that melts away your worries? If it is the latter, then it’s because she is interested in you. If you share the same feelings for her, then hug her back. I mean <em>really</em> hug her back. Squeeze her tightly in your arms, breath in deeply as if you’re trying to capture her scent, and rest your head onto her shoulder (or wherever you can reach since Yeti’s tend to be tall). This will let the Yeti know without a doubt that her feelings for you are reciprocated.</p><p>Yeti’s are extremely expressive and never afraid to show their emotions; but they prefer to do so through body language rather than words.  Overtime you’ll get better at learning her body language, and even learn how to express your emotions to her through body language. There are some publications that already approach that subject, so I won’t touch on it here. Consider the bit I told you, about how to hug her back, as a little bonus. In fact, have another one just because I’m such a generous author. Only attempt this <em>after </em>the two of you have been dating for a while. Go up to her, rest your forehead against hers, and place your hands against the sides of her head so that your palms are resting on her cheeks. After a couple seconds gently kiss her forehead. I cannot describe what happens next because it’ll push this book onto the <em>naughty adult</em> <em>shelf</em> so I’ll let you use your imagination.</p><p>So overall, you’ll have a fairly easy time planning dates. Yeti’s want to cuddle. So, cuddle. But not every date night can be a cuddle night, even if every date night eventually becomes a cuddle night. They should at least start differently. Playing in the snow or trekking through snow-covered forests are decent choices since while it will be cold for you, Yeti’s are amazing at keeping us warm. You’ll barely notice the cold with her holding onto you. If anything, outdoor activities will unconsciously push you to seek her for warmth, which she’ll love. Dancing classes or couple’s yoga are great options since they’ll have the two of you making regular physical contact together. There is a far better option though, <em>and</em> it’s a cheaper one as well!</p><p>Blindfold baking. No, I haven’t gone mad. Allow me to explain. The two of you pick out a recipe, like say cinnamon buns. Make sure all the ingredients are in the house. Next, choose who wears the blindfold. The rules are as follows: The person wearing the blindfold is the only one allowed to touch the ingredients and is not allowed to move their arms on their own. The person without the blindfold has to stay next to or behind their blindfolded partner for the entire time, guiding them through the recipe and moving their blindfolded partner’s arms for them.</p><p>It’s simple and the chances of the two of you successfully baking something are low, but it’ll provide a memorable night. Standing the at the counter with flour all over your face, trying to roll out dough as a Yeti is standing right behind you, her body pressed firmly against your back, guiding your arms with her soft paws as she softly whispers the recipe instructions into your ear. The reverse works just as well too, with you pressed up against her guiding her arms through a recipe. The two of you can even take turns, or come up with some game to determine who’s going to be the blindfolded baker and who gets to be the touchy instructor.</p><p>Being with a Yeti means you’ll never knows the cold again, both literally and figuratively.  </p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Kikimora</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>So you’ve recently returned home from a prior engagement just as your Kikimora maid was preparing to leave. She hid her gaze and sheepishly said “I’ve finished my tasks; I’ll see you tomorrow, but if you need anything else let me know”. You watched her leave before retiring to your room and stopped in the door way at the sight on your bed. On top of the freshly pressed sheets was a copy of this book with a feather carefully stuck in it. You picked up the book and it opened right to this page. If all the above is true then read this page well; because the Kikimora is a marvelous monster, and here is how you date them. </p><p>I’m not saying every romantic relationship between a Kikimora and a Human starts off with the Kikimora being the Human’s maid, but it <em>is</em> a very common occurrence. Kikimora’s genuinely enjoy working in hospitality – we can philosophize for hours, even days, on why Kikimora’s are so drawn to performing housework or instinctively seek to be a servant for someone. When asked they simply say “I enjoy it”. It’s another one of life’s great mysteries.</p><p>Once you start dating a Kikimora it’ll be a very short amount of time before she asks to move in with you. A lot of people reach this step, but then become confused because she doesn’t spend that much time with them. Rather, she’s constantly finding something new in the house to do. This isn’t because she’s lost interest in you. Kikimora’s are hard workers, and genuinely find enjoyment when they’re performing house work. But more then that, it’s how they express their love. It’s commonly accepted that there are five love languages, by which I mean five ways for someone to express their love for someone. One of them is Acts of Service. A Kikimora insisting that she’s going to serve you breakfast or make sure you come home to a clean house is how she expresses her love for you.</p><p>But that doesn’t mean you can just be lazy. They have feelings. They still want to feel loved and appreciated. To begin with, don’t be a slob. Yes, Kikimora’s do find enjoyment in cleaning. But just tossing empty cans off to the side or dragging muddy feet across a clean carpet gives the impression that you don’t appreciate the fact that she just cleaned it. Make sure you regularly express how thankful you are that she’s doing all this house work for you. She’ll often respond “Oh, it’s nothing! Really!”. Just give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and say you still appreciate it regardless. Even offer to do certain things for her, like washing the dishes. Don’t just freely let her do <em>all</em> of the house work herself. She’ll protest if she ever catches you doing it, but just say something along the lines of “Right now, I would like for you to let me do this.”</p><p>Kikimora’s are homebodies so it’s not always easy to take them out on a date. One, they’d rather be at home since there’s just so much work to do. Two, many of them taken any hobbies that aren’t tied into their work. But I’d still recommend going out at least once a month, and playing into the master-servant relationship by saying “It’d make me very happy if you did this for me” with “this” being going out on the date. I wouldn’t use that line too much though – just because Kikimora’s enjoy serving someone doesn’t mean you can abuse that relationship. Going out for a dinner together or even just spending some time at home on a puzzle or cuddling are safe bets. Really good date ideas are ones where the two of you might get dirty – such as painting together or even gardening. This is entirely because of what will happen <em>after</em> the date when the two of you need to clean up, and naturally she’ll remark about having to “help you clean yourself up”. Just try to limit the mess to yourselves and not end up with an actual mess in the house.</p><p>Because Kikimora’s lean more on the subservient side (and by lean on that side I mean they’ve practically invented it), you’ll need to be the assertive one. They’ll rarely make the first move, but will happily try and tease you into acting. If your Kikimora made just loudly spilled a cup of water all over herself, getting a tiny drop on the ground, for the fifth time in the same day it’s not because she’s clumsy. It’s because she wants you to “punish” her.</p><p>A lot of people have concerns when dating a Kikimora because of how subservient they are. Kikimoras honestly will do just about anything you ask them to. Maybe you’re not confident enough, or you’re worried about going to far, or you’re just not comfortable with being so assertive. The first thing you need to know is that if she’s with you it’s because she wants to be. At some point that Kikimora decided she wants you to be her master for the rest of her life. Honestly, it’s a bit clever how they’ve integrated within our society: finding work as maids and in hospitality as a means of finding their partners. Second, they’re far from defenseless. The third thing is making sure there is a lot of communication between the two of you. Encourage her to speak freely, and regularly throw in “are you ok? Is this fine?” before you initiate anything.</p><p>So, with that all said… didn’t you find this book left on your bed? Very unlike a maid to just carelessly leave something out of place like that, yes? Go call her and ask her to come back, remarking about how you “found something” and she’s not finished with her duties for the day.  Indeed, she might just have to stay the night with everything that’s still left to do!</p><p>She’ll be back in five minutes, I guarantee it.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Shoggoth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Editor’s note: Due to the disappearance of four interns who were tasked with editing the following passage, we have elected to simply leave it in its current state. We apologize for any lack of coherency.]</p><p>I was hesitant to begin my research on this topic. I started to find notes in my hand writing that I don’t remember writing, interview records missing despite remembering that I scheduled them, and other unexplainable occurrences. In the end, what is the purpose? To inform a love-struck soul how to date their beloved eldritch girlfriend, a shoggoth? As I look back upon the days I spent constructing this guide, I’ve come to learn one singular truth. The Shoggoth is a marvelous monster, and you already know how to date one because if you wish to date one then you were always dating one.</p><p>The air was both dry and thick from humidity. I didn’t remember inviting her for an interview, but she showed up earlier saying I had contacted her. How long had I been in this room with her? I flipped through the papers on my clipboard, each sheet sticking together with a thin mucus-like film that melted away as soon as I acknowledged it. The lettering seemed to blur together, but I could just make out the next question I was supposed to ask. “So… where are you from?”</p><p>The Shoggoth tilted her head and smiled. “I live with my master, of course. His house is only a half-hour drive from here. He apologizes for being unable to make the trip; he’s currently sick and requires bed rest. Although I understand you are supposed to speak with him a week from now.”</p><p>“I meant more in a… like an ancestry sense. Where are Shoggoths from?” I found it hard to concentrate, my eyes constantly darting to try and spot something at the edge of my vision.</p><p>“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand your question. I have always lived with my master. Or perhaps more correctly, my husband.” Her smile never changed as she spoke. A large tendril slick with a viscous fluid reached out to hand me a clipboard I thought I was holding. I flipped through the papers on my clipboard, each sheet sticking together with a thin mucus-like film that melted away as soon as I acknowledged it. The lettering seemed to blur together, but I could just make out the next question I was supposed to ask. “So… I understand that you’ve been married to Mr. Pierce for a long time now, how did the two of you meet?”</p><p>For two weeks I woke up in a sweat each morning, my last memory a hazy image of my office with a Shoggoth sitting across from me. I’ve asked my coworkers for records on my interview with her, but the response is always the same. That I’ve still haven’t interviewed a Shoggoth yet, but I have an interview with a Mr. Pierce whom has recently married a Shoggoth after many years of dating. But how do you even find a Shoggoth? The answer is that those who search for them will find them, and the reason why you are able to find a Shoggoth is because she wanted you to find her. Appearing before their would-be masters, quickly forming a union of two souls that were meant for each other.</p><p>Does the Shoggoth choose us? Is it us who chooses them? Do they go about their lives trying to find a someone who strikes their fancy, or is it they already know and are waiting for the perfect moment to be with them? Then how is it those who are dating a Shoggoth do so because they have always been dating a Shoggoth? Surely there has to be a before, a moment where the would-be husband of a Shoggoth was not with married to them. Yet I have been unable to find any such examples of a before. In interviews that haven’t been performed yet, every couple responds the same. They were always together.</p><p>What drives someone to seek the embrace of an eldritch being? Madness? No, perhaps it is they who are sane. Reality is a thin veil that provides naught for your comfort. Shoggoths are perfect servants and posses an innate desire to serve the person they love. Your every need and desire fulfilled simply because they want to see your smile and want you to know you’re cared for. No one has ever just had a Shoggoth maid. A Shoggoth might be your maid, but only because she is also your loving partner whom just also happens to be your maid. There isn’t a process for hiring a Shoggoth. There’s never a record for <em>when</em> they started to work for their master, even if onlookers remark that the master in question never had a maid.</p><p>What does one do with a Shoggoth, aside from being served by one? When asked, Mr. Pierce said they do the same as anyone else. Have meals together, spend time together, live together. Simply enjoying each other’s company. His wife, whom I have yet to meet, is reportedly a very quiet individual. A trait that’s common amongst Shoggoths.</p><p>“Tea is probably the most common one.” Mr. Pierce spoke slowly, as if he was choosing each word with careful consideration. “Every day, twice a day, we sit down and share a drink. Coffee in the morning, tea in the evening.”</p><p>I made sure to jot down Mr. Pierce’s words before gathering my own thoughts. “Who proposed the idea to start that?”</p><p>“No one did. It’s just something we’ve always done. Sit next to each other and enjoy each other’s company over a nice beverage.”</p><p>The most likely answer, one that I have dared to understand, is there exists a connection between a Shoggoth and her partner that simply can’t be understood unless you’re with a Shoggoth. They have a love that’s much deeper than what our narrow definitions can explain, and those that are with a Shoggoth do so because it was meant to be.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Mothman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I try to remain unbiased in these guides. Make sure that each monster has all their good points featured in a positive light. All monstergirls are best girls, but some are more best than others. The Mothman is absolutely amazing. They’re gentle, caring individuals with a bright outlook, that become excited when presented with, let’s just call it visual-based stimulation. They have beautiful wings and parts of their body is covered in soft fluff that practically acts as built-in thigh highs! Truly, the Mothman is a marvelous monster; and here is how you date them.</p><p>Let’s go over some things about Mothmen. They have wings that come in a variety of colors and patterns but they’re not very strong fliers. They can’t fly for long periods of time, and they’re certainty not going to be able to carry you around. Their eyesight is more focused on light levels rather than colors, so compared to humans their vision is not as good as ours. They are nocturnal, so if you’re interested in dating a Mothman you’ll want a lifestyle that keeps you awake later in the night.</p><p>If you’ve ever met a Mothman during they day you would have noticed they’re very sluggish. But once the sun starts to go down their activity fires up. Mothmen are practically able to single-handily drive the nightlife within a city; crowding around lights outside convenience stores, going to nightclubs, and swarming into business that have night-time operating hours. If you ever wanted to meet a Mothman when she’s not half-awake and slowly stumbling about, just go outside at night. Preferably while wearing something a bit reflective. It won’t be long before you run into one, sometimes quite literally!</p><p>Now there is something important to bring up. Their powder. There’s a variety of monsters that naturally produce some sort of biological substance that can have an effect on us Humans, and Mothmen fall into that category. Mothmen are capable of scattering a fine powder when they strongly flap their wings. To us humans, this powder is mostly a relaxant and a very mild aphrodisiac. They’re aware of this, and do not casually scatter their dust everywhere unless they’re extremely excited and strongly flapping their wings. It’s not strong enough to where a tiny bit causes a reaction, and its effects do not last that long; you do actually have to breath in a good amount of the powder to have a reaction. I am happy to report that it is perfectly safe to inhale this powder, and for the very small percentage of you that have a mild allergy to Mothman dust there are readily available medications to handle the sniffles you’ll get.</p><p>There’s no set path to how you start dating a Mothman. Some of them will work up the confidence to flat out ask you out, others will subtly hint that they’re interested in you until you finally ask them out. A safe bet to tell if one’s interested in you is if she’ll quickly respond to you while she’s seemingly preoccupied with something else, like staring at a bright light. However, their diet is a little more restrictive compared to other monsters. You won’t have to suddenly change your diet just to be with one, but you’ll want to make sure you can accommodate their palate. They’re mostly herbivores with a strong preference for fruits and nectars. Other foods are fine, as long as it’s not taking up a majority of their diet. Although it’s not something you need to worry that much about, since they’re perfectly able to take care of themselves. But I’d still make sure there’s always a variety of nectars in the fridge.</p><p>Naturally any activities that take place at night are going to go over better than those that happen during the day. So, anything you want to do during the day, just do at night instead! Provided you’re able to, of course. Nightclubs are surprisingly a popular option. They’re open at night, feature dancing and drinks, and display plenty of bright lights. It’s amazing how different a lot of Mothmen act once they step inside a nightclub – they’re normally calm and gentle demeanor quickly replaced with excitement. But sometimes you don’t always want to go to such a crowded, loud area. Night walks, bonfires, dinners, movies, stargazing, and arcades are also wonderful options.</p><p>They are excitable and do enjoy bright lights but that doesn’t mean they’re going to completely drop what they’re doing just to go stare at a lamp. They are able to focus on tasks just as well as anyone else. But they will gravitate towards something that’s bright. If they’re choosing somewhere to sit, they’ll sit closest to a light. If they’re going someone where to hang out it’s going to be somewhere bright – like outside a convivence store. You might catch them zoning out, staring at a light source or a fire but it’s fine. They’ll still respond if you call them.</p><p>Their fascination with lights quickly becomes a heavy focus for a lot of people, sometimes people even mistakenly think that a Mothman loves lamps much more then their partner. This simply isn’t true. If a Mothman loves you, then you’re the brightest thing in their life. Mothmen are deeply caring, and are happy simply being around someone the love. Long nights where the two of you are cuddling together are much more important to them than regularly going to a nightclub to frantically fly around during the light display. They can come off as very ‘moth-erly’, wanting to make sure that you’re doing well and staying healthy. They’ll always be happy to listen to you if you need an ear to talk to, or even just be there to offer their lap as a pillow on your dark days. They are excitable and will quickly light up when it comes to their passions, but all of that dims in comparison to the love they will often hold for their partner.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Dhampir</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The cell’s wooden door swung open with impressive force, nearly cracking as it slammed against the wall. I scrambled up from the corner, making sure to rattle the fake iron chains that were wrapped around my hands.  A beautiful woman stepped into the room with a smile, her deep amber eyes and sharp fangs hinting at her monstrous nature. “Ah! Do not be alarmed. I won’t hurt you, I’m here to save you dearest one.” Her acting was… enthusiastic at least. “Such conditions terrible conditions they’ve kept you in!”</p><p>A horn bellowed from the distance, signifying the end of the current round. Normally this is when all the LARPers would return to report the success (or failure) of their quests, but this Dhampir continued to approach me, her face flush with excitement as she tossed her prop weapons to the side and continued speaking. “We’re pretty far from the main group… why don’t we keep going with our little roleplay? Just the two of us.”  Initially I was hesitant about agreeing to this date but… well, the Dhampir is a Marvelous Monster, and here is how you date them.</p><p>Dhampirs come from a different age, back before Monsters and Humans coexisted peacefully. Born from the union of a Vampire and Human, these monstrous creatures blend in with society. The only thing hinting at their monstrous origins being their strength, speed, eyes and vampiric fangs. Historically, Dhampirs were vampire hunters; although in truth they hunted any monster that mistreated their Human partners. Humans and Monsters did not always peacefully coexist with each other, and us humans were not always seen as equals or even as individuals. Dhampirs were some of the first to recognize us as people, and in their love for us, they devoted their lives to fighting against monsters that would seek us harm. There are <em>many</em> stories of Dhampirs rescuing Humans that were mistreated in a relationship, with the two then quickly falling in love. With their inherit charm and unnaturally attractive features, it’s hard not to fall in love with a Dhampir.</p><p>But those darker days are far behind us. In this modern day everyone is, thankfully, treated well and domestic abuse is all but unheard of. But Dhampirs still hold a strong sense of righteousness, adventure, and commitment in rooting out injustice and saving people. It’s no wonder so many of them find employment in fields that let them live out those desires. Additionally, roleplaying is an extremely popular hobby of theirs where they get to live out their heroic fantasies. If you want to meet a Dhampir, the easiest way would to join a local gaming club or a live-action roleplaying (LARP) group. You’ll meet a Dhampir within a week with them attempting to save you from some great injustice. Even knowing they blend in so well with Humans, their monstrous nature does eventually come out. Mostly it’s the way their eyes shine in the light, but honest once they open their mouth it’s pretty obvious that they’re not human.</p><p>Cosplaying and roleplaying are by and far the most popular hobbies among their kind, so dates that tie those in are an obvious choice. Helping them with making costumes or props, going to heroic fantasy movies, going to conventions, and participating in roleplaying games, live action or tabletop, are going to be the most common way the two of you spend time. Unlike full-blooded Vampires, Dhampirs are unaffected by the sunlight and don’t mind the smell of garlic; so day-time activities and garlic-laden food are perfectly fine.</p><p>“What about blood? Has she ever asked to bite you?” It was incredibly cold, and the large cloak I wore did little to keep me warm. Made of thick wool my arse. But going to the local LARP convention was the best way to ask Dhampir/Human couples about their relationship.</p><p>My interview subject, a Human male in his early 20’s, was currently dressed in a robe and wizard’s hat. “Initially no, but it eventually came up. Two of mates also date Dhampirs. One of em says his girl doesn’t like it, other says it was a first-date sorta thing.”</p><p>“So she has bitten you. Did you notice any change afterwards?”</p><p>“Naw mate, I’m still Human. Although she does it a lot more often now, sorta like when things are going really, ya know… when things start <em>really</em> heating up and it’s like an act of passion sort of thing.”</p><p>In my research I got inconsistent results when the topic of blood sucking came up. Some do, some don’t, two of my interviewees asked me if “they could have a taste”, and one was positively revolted by the idea. Dhampirs certainly have the capability of sucking blood, they are half-vampire after all, but whether or not they do is largely a personal choice.  Those that do start blood sucking mention that it turns into a regular habit, and it becomes something they deeply enjoy. Much like how some people really like being stepped on. I can’t say for certain whether or not you should expect your Dhampir girlfriend to take a bite of you every so often, but don’t be surprised if it eventually comes up in conversation.</p><p>Dhampirs have in ingrained passion for romanticized heroic fantasy, their hearts filled with a love for adventure and while initially you’ll be their prince-in-distress, it won’t be long until your relationship becomes one like the tales they grew up with. Two souls joined together in their deep, caring love for each other as they brave the darkened world before them; with the only respite from their perilous adventures being found within each other’s arms.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Mershark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s a lot of reasons to live close to a large body of water. Maybe you prefer the weather that often accompanies it, or the lower price of fish, or maybe you just enjoy watching the sun set beneath the waves. Those are all good reasons. A better reason is there are many beautiful aquatic-based monster girls that can only be found near large bodies of water. While knowing how to swim is <em>extremely helpful,</em> it’s not a required skill in order to date an aquatic monster girl; and if you ever find yourself drowning or hurt in the water there’s a chance that a Mershark will come rushing from the depths to rescue you. Which in that case you should consider yourself extremely lucky. The Mershark is a marvelous monster, and here is how you date one.</p><p>A lot of people are initially scared of Mersharks. They’re extremely powerful swimmers, they can bite through iron chains with their razor-sharp teeth, and overall, they tend to have a rather “dangerous” appearance. I’ve asked people to elaborate on what they meant when they described Mersharks as “dangerous” looking but none of them could actually elaborate so you can interpret that as you want. But while Mersharks might look dangerous and be boldly ferocious in their disposition, they are incredibly caring individuals. They act tough, and yes, they can easily overpower a human, but secretly they’re big softies with a heart as deep as the ocean. A Mershark would never intentionally hurt you, and they go to great lengths to be careful with their loved ones. If your hurt in the water, a Mershark isn’t going to rush at you because they sense prey. They’re rushing towards you because they want to make sure you’re safe.</p><p>So, let’s go over the basics. Mersharks are aquatic. While they can survive on land and have no problem breathing air, a Mershark should never spend too much time out of the water. If they regularly spend a majority of their time out of the water they’ll end up with inflamed gills. You are going to have to live close to a large body of water to date one, which means there are unique challenges you’ll face when trying to live with one. Ultimately your options are as follows: have a house with a very large and deep pool, have a house that’s partially submerged, have a house boat, or accept that fact that the two of you will need to live separately and make an effort to regularly spend time together. It is a hard truth that you’ll have to accept, but it’s this challenge that makes a relationship with a Mershark so special. Two individuals from different worlds overcoming such a harsh reality because they love each other.</p><p>As expected, the skin of a Mershark is rough. So be careful if there’s any skin contact going on. Their skin is soft if you are going in the direction towards their tail, and rough like sandpaper in the opposite direction. You can end up with a lot of cuts if you’re not careful. Thankfully there are readily available products to help. I’d still advise caution if you find yourself in a situation where your skin is going to come into regular contact with a Mersharks – especially if it’s in a rhythmic motion.</p><p>On land a Mershark’s mobility is greatly reduced. But you probably didn’t need me to tell you. So why am I bringing it up? Well in the water, even if you’re a good swimmer, a human’s mobility is greatly reduced. This creates a really nice contrast when you’re in a relationship with a Mershark, since the two of you have to depend on each other. Yes, a Mershark can hop into a wheel chair on land and a human can always put on some flippers. But on land you’re the one that’s, quiet bluntly, in control. In water, she is. On land you help her move around and set the pace of a certain intimate activity the two of you might do, while in the water it’s her. There’s something beautiful about that, taking turns being vulnerable and putting that trust in each other.</p><p>There’s still more to talk about when it comes to Mershark physiology and the challenges you’ll face when dating one, but let’s talk about actually dating one yeah? Picnics by the water’s edge are a bit cliché. But it works and a Mershark will tease you about it despite secretly loving it. Anything water related is also fairly obvious. Mersharks are strictly carnivorous, so for any dinners or meals you’ll want to hit up meat and seafood joints. Try out a couple’s massage, or even taking turns massaging each other. Doing little crafts together is also a good idea. Especially if you make a bracelet or necklace out of sea shells. Mersharks act tough and always put on a strong front, but giving her a bracelet you made out of sea shells is a fast way to make her blush and stutter.  She might try to play it cool or tease you about it, but you’ll always find her wearing it. Outside of these ideas, learn what interests the two of you share and plan accordingly, or better yet, learn what she likes and show an interest in her hobbies. Here’s a fast tip: learn some local sea shanties and sing them together on your pub crawls.</p><p>Also, I hope you get used to biting. Mersharks are universally biters and will affectionally nibble someone they care about. Now I know the image of a Mershark grinning with a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth getting closer to you before taking a bite is terrifying but you need to remember that they’ll never try to hurt you. They do know their own strength and they’re remarkable careful when it comes to being with someone. Even in the throes of passion they’ll be careful to not cause any lasting damage to you – the same can’t always be said for other monster girls. You’ll always be safe with a Mershark.</p><p>While Mersharks might have a rough exterior (literally) and are outwardly ferocious – they are some of the kindest and most caring individuals you’ll meet; even knowing they’ll never admit it. A lot of people say they fall in love with the sea, but in reality, a good number of them mean they met a Mershark that they want to spend their lives with.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Arachne</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>So you want to date an Arachne. Good choice. A lot of people have a fear of spiders that unfortunately extends towards Arachne. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of something. But for those of us that look at an Arachne in all her glory and see only excitement… well, as I said earlier. Good choice. Now we will be talking about Arachne in a general sense, and not go into detail about the many varieties of Arachne that exist. But even then, an Arachne is a marvelous monster, and here is how you date them.</p><p>Arachne are all too familiar with the cold, judging stares of a stranger. A lot of people see an Arachne and find it difficult to look past the spider bits. It incites a primal fear within their hearts, and sadly, all too often people will act out on this fear. At best they actively avoid an Arachne and keep their words short, while at worst they try to make them feel unwelcome. Sadly, because Arachne are so used to this, many of them end up in two schools of thoughts. Those that are rather reclusive and withdrawn from society, and those that play into their terrifying visage and take enjoyment in scaring people. However, in both cases one trait remains true: their boldness.</p><p>An Arachne isn’t afraid to make the first move if they’re interested in you, and many of them will find it amusing if you were the one to approach them first. At first, they’ll harbor doubts about your true intentions, and will try to scare you off. They’ll really play into that terrifying image that so many people have of Arachne. This might result in you being tied up in their webs. But stand strong my arachnid afficionado. Be clear with your intentions; plainly state you don’t find them scary and politely ask to be let free. Now it is important to note that the more reclusive Arachne’s might continue to doubt your intentions or push you away. Honestly, there’s not much you can do. Continue to be nice to them and treat them with respect – although that goes the same for everyone. However, at a certain point you’ll need to realize that if they’re not interested in you then you should stop pursuing them (but still treat them respectfully, simply because it is good manners to be polite to everyone). It becomes fairly obvious when an Arachne is interested in you, especially once she realizes you don’t have an aversion towards her.</p><p>Arachne a large – even the smaller breeds take up a good amount of space. If an Arachne is going to live with you, you’ll want to make sure you have the space. Vertical space is a little more important than horizontal space, since Arachne (like spiders) have no problem crawling over the walls and ceiling. In fact, a lot of them prefer to sleep in hammocks that hang from the ceiling rather than a traditional bed. If you’re going to go out for dinner, or really any date, make sure it can accommodate their size. On the topic of dinner Arachne are carnivores, but they don’t eat insects. Mind you they can eat insects, just the same as you and I can, but they’re not going to crawl around your house snacking on the flies because you forgot to take out the trash again. Any other food types they eat won’t really do much for them, but it’s not going to hurt them if they do eat it.</p><p>Crowded areas are not the best choice, although most Arachne really wouldn’t mind if what you wanted to do takes place in public. So, a date to the local arcade would be okay, but it’d be better of the two of you go during when the arcade isn’t as busy. Coffee dates should be treated the exact same as going to a bar, since Arachne become intoxicated off of caffeine. A drunk Arachne who’s infatuated with you is a dangerous combination. Remember: A coffee shop is not a love hotel. A drunk Arachne is also when you end up with webbing all over the place – normally they’re very tidy about where they put their webs (and even cleaning up strands they don’t need anymore). If you ever need to clean up Arachne webbing, warm water works fine for getting it off of bodies out of clothing.</p><p>Arachne are cold blooded, so take the same precautions as you would with any other cold-blooded species. This won’t turn into a situation where if you fail to keep your house warm then an Arachne will use you to keep warm (like Lamias), but a heated blanket is a very appreciated gift.</p><p>Do not accept any clothing items from an Arachne unless you are serious about being with her. If there is one thing you take away from this then please let it be that. It’s basically a marriage proposal for them. Some Arachne do sell their thread or even sell clothes they make. It’s the most common occupation amongst the Arachne species. In fact, just three blocks away from my office is a clothing store that specialize in clothing made from Arachne Silk – they really do make high quality, durable products! But if it’s a gift, like the Arachne even said “Here, I made this for you!” – that’s something serious. If that happens then be very sure you want to continue being with that Arachne.</p><p> But of course, if you were dating one that you likely wanted to be with her anyways. You go ahead and accept that piece of clothing she made just for you. Even if she’s just going to rip it off of you in about an hour.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Holstaur</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I live in the city since it’s where I work, and it’s much easier to do my work with such a large population around me. Don’t get me wrong – I love it. But driving out to the country to talk to one of the farm owners make me seriously consider buying a bit of land and a small cottage to live a simpler, quiet life. Spending a long day working on the land only to come home to a cheerful Holstaur wife that presses her ample chest against me and remarking about wanting to help me distress and gently pushing me towards the bedroom… wait, that’s not why some of you live out in the country? Okay so yes Holstaurs do live in cities, and really can be found anywhere, <em>but</em> the number of Human-Holstaur relationships that live out in the country <em>is</em> pretty high. The latest census even shows that a larger percentage of Holstaurs live in the country.</p><p>Ok, <em>fine</em>. Yes, there’s lots of good reasons to live out in the country. Reasons that, surprisingly, <em>don’t</em> include a lovely Holstaur. But the Holstaur is a marvelous monster, and here is how you date them.</p><p>Holstaurs are a subspecies of Minotaurs. While not every Minotaur is a Holstaur, every Holstaur is a Minotaur. There are differences between them, two major ones being Holstaurs are not nearly as aggressive as Minotaurs and Holstaurs produce milk even if they’ve never had a child. That’s why some people refer to them as “milk Minotaurs”, although that name is rather impolite. But if you find yourself face to face with a beautiful woman who has some bovine features, there’s an easy to know if she’s a Holstaur or a Minotaur. Are they currently trying to bench press you and making an aggressive effort to draw your attention towards their glistening muscles; or are they conveniently tripping over nothing so they land on top of you, making sure you feel the full weight of their breasts while mentioning how much their back hurts and oh how nice it would be if someone were to rub their back. The latter is a Holstaur.</p><p>If you’re lactose intolerant then I highly advise you either reconsider being with a Holstaur or talk to your physician about medical solutions to help alleviate the affects of your condition. Holstaurs do need to be regularly milked, something that they’re perfectly use to and capable of doing. Although it can become an intimate activity between the two of you as your relationship progresses. But then what do you deal with all this milk? Holstaur milk is safe for human consumption, and incredibly nutritious. Some Holstaurs even sell their milk to local business due to its high demand, while others just use it themselves. When your Holstaur wife welcomes you home with a decadent crème pudding and mentions how she made it with love while practically hyperventilating with excitement, it means she made it with something a little more personal than just warm feelings. While it is just milk, albite a very high-grade milk that is leagues above regular milk, some Holstaurs find excitement in knowing that their partner is consuming their milk. You’ll quickly find out if your Holstaur is one of them.</p><p>Holstaurs are very gentle and tend to live very relaxed lifestyles. Honest, they’d be happy to do just but any activity you propose when it comes to date ideas. Playing a board game? They’ll go clear off the table! Ice cream bar? She’ll coyly mention how <em>she</em> could make a much better ice cream, but will still go with you. Just want to go to a nearby field and fly kites before making a small camp fire and laying in the grass as the stars come out? She’ll have blankets ready so the two of you can cuddle as the cool night air starts to settle. As long as the two of you are spending time together, she’ll be happy.</p><p>It’s very rare for a Holstaur to take the lead. Even when the two of you are still in that “pre-dating” phase, a Holstaur isn’t going to be the one to say “Hey, we’re together now”. They might hint at it, tease it, or try and entice you into moving forward; but nothing will happen unless you take that step.  So, try to not be oblivious to a Holstaur’s nonverbal communication. But note I said it’s <em>rare</em> for them to take the lead. It does happen. If you’re just that dense and oblivious of an individual and don’t take that step forward or initiate any intimate activities, eventually a Holstaur <em>will</em> step up and show you just how closely related they can be to a Minotaur. They’re a very gentle and patient species – but even they have their limits. Some people are just that oblivious or might run into a part of their life where they find themselves to busy and tired. But when you’re in a relationship with someone it’s still important to think about them. A Holstaur is happy to go along with whatever you want – but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her own needs and desires. Communication is key, and being aware of each other’s feelings and desires helps ensure the two of you can properly understand each other.</p><p>But with all that said, it really does sound nice doesn’t it? One day, in the future, owning your own piece of land with a big yard for your Holstaur daughters to run around in while you watch from the back porch with your Holstaur wife sitting next to you, her head on your shoulders and whispering how much she’d appreciate a back rub once the kids are put to sleep. A simple, quiet life where you spend your days enjoying the company of someone who loves you.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Beelzebub</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>If you jump in the water bleeding, there’s a high chance a Mershark will come save you. If you spend a significant amount of time in a nice garden, you’ll probably get an Alarune popping up asking you to water her “roots”. Stuck outside in a blizzard and a Yeti’ll embrace you. Generally speaking, you spend any amount of time outside and you’re bound to run into a Monster Girl. But let’s say you don’t leave your house. What then?</span>
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  <span>Ah wait, did you just open the window for some fresh air? Perhaps you accidently left that takeout container on the counter overnight because you were planning on throwing it away tomorrow? That’s a shame. Looks like Beelzebub just invited herself in and she’s your roommate now. But chin up! Beelzebub is a marvelous monster – and here is how you date them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beelzebub is proof that simply existing is enough reason for a monster girl to force their way into your life.  Just like an actual fly they’ll find their way into your residence and act like they own the place. Your snacks? Hers. Your clothes? Hers. Your sweat? Yup sorry but that belongs to Beelzebub now. You might think I’m joking but the second you walk through that door covered in sweat after your morning jog, Beelzebub’s going to tackle you and rip your clothes off.</span>
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  <span>Quite frankly, life with a Beelzebub is rather annoying. A lazy roommate that refuses to pick up after themselves, steals all your chips, and calls you a nerd. There won’t be that much quiet anymore because of her wings constantly buzzing, but you’ll get used to it. Eventually. The constant teasing is endearing in its own way. Teasing, flirting, intentionally pushing herself on you and calling you a pervert for looking at her bug ass until you finally do something. Or she’ll just get annoyed and be the one to initiate – forcing herself onto you and demanding you serve your ‘lord’.</span>
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  <span>That’s something you should get used to. Beelzebub’s often flaunt around their self-imposed title as “Lords of Gluttony”. They’ll lounge around on your couch wearing the hoodie they stole from you a month ago saying “I’m basically royalty, you know. You should treat me nicer! That’s why make sure you get more of those soft pretzels when you pick up groceries.” While their actual claim to lordship is a bit dubious, there’s no denying that they are remarkably gluttonous.</span>
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  <span>A Beelzebub is rarely satisfied with anything. Not only are any snacks you own now forfeit to her constant hunger, but don’t expect for any </span>
  <em>
    <span>extracurricular bedroom activities </span>
  </em>
  <span>to get finished in a reasonable amount of time. She isn’t going to stop because she had enough – she stopped because she’s “oh so generously allowing you to continue doing that important thing or whatever you have to do.” But despite how much they continue to shovel into their loud mouth while hogging your couch they refuse to acknowledge general biology and maintain their slim bodies with shapely hips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now you might be a bit concerned about the cost of dating a Beelzebub. Here you are, reading all about how Beelzebub is constantly hungry and stealing your snacks. I get it. Serious snackage and regular takeout isn’t cheap. Surely after a Beelzebub decides to claim your residence as her nest you’ll find that any source of income you have has suddenly gotten a large increase. The Beelzebub claims this is because “I’m basically royalty you know, It’s just my wonderful aura blessing you with good fortune!”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That is a lie. It’s because the Lilims and others in power know that Beelzebub’s are greedy little shits so they’re helping you out. Monetary concerns often come up with a lot of monster partners due to some of them being, well, fairly large. Or having special dietary restrictions. There are lots of rebates and tax breaks so take advantage of them! Take advantage of those savings so you can keep buying more replacement clothes since Beelzebub refuses to give back any of the clothes she took from you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I would offer date suggestions so you and the Beelzebub that claimed you can spend a nice night together. But she’s lazy and doesn’t really feel like leaving the house today “so why don’t you just order from that one place again and we can watch more reruns. Now get over here I’m cold and this blanket is thin.” She says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s thin because you wore it out. Just let me throw it out already I’ll get a new one” you respond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! It smells like you. Just buy a new one and I’ll add it to the pile with this one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then you make an off-hand remark that it couldn’t possibly smell like you since she’s been sitting her fat ass on that blanket for three months. Unfortunately, that was a stupid thing for you to say. Beelzebub has good hearing and she is fast. She might have a smaller frame and is shorter than you, but having someone quickly launch themselves right into your chest is still enough to knock you on the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Congratulations, your offhand remark has awarded you with Beelzebub straddling you and teasing about how she knows you secretly like it. She’s got that look in her eye again – that same look she gives to those cream filled pies from the local bakery. Hope you're well hydrated because you’re about to [editor’s note: please put a vague innuendo about filling a pastry with cream.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But really that’s just how they show their affection. Not the laziness. The teasing. Beelzebub teases because she likes you, and claims you as her own because she knows you enjoy her company. They really do appreciate all that you do for them. Even if they’re not very good at expressing it. It’s a relationship focused much more on two people simply being comfortable around each other and poking fun; with the mere fact you two continue to enjoy each other's company  being your expression of love.</span>
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